HART: Fixer-Turned-Felon Michael Cohen Testifies At Show Trial

REUTERS/Mike Segar

Ron Hart Contributor
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This week, we hoped to find out what crime Donald J. Trump committed and who is/was the victim. 

Right now, the only victim is the justice system in America. 

We have a guy named Pecker, a porn actress and an extra sleazy lawyer with a grudge going after Trump. Is this the golden age of op-ed satire or what? 

Biden’s fingerprints are all over this. His number-three man at the Department of Justice was sent to handle this case so Bragg didn’t botch it, Fani-style.

The only things funded in Biden’s “Build Back Better” scheme are new courthouses in NYC, South Florida and Atlanta, just for prosecuting Trump.

We also know that the hard-left Democrat operative judge in the case, Juan Merchan, slapped a gag order on Trump. To sum it up, Stormy Daniels signs an NDA, Michael Cohen is Trump’s lawyer with attorney client privilege/confidentiality, and those two are the only ones who can talk. 

After Stormy’s testimony, it killed Trump not to be able to tell everyone that she was way hotter in 2006. 

Stormy starred in more than 150 porn movies. Most notably, she had a big role in “Trailer Trash Nurses 6.” Apparently, there were a lot of unanswered questions after the first five films. Neither Stormy nor Cohen ever met a microphone they didn’t like. The difference is that Stormy will only talk into the ones that don’t have rubber covers on them. 

By any objective measure, these two witnesses have not landed any punches. To Alvin Bragg and the White House team that orchestrated the sham prosecution, this adage applies: “For conspiracies hatched in hell, do not expect angels as witnesses.” Laurel and Hardy looked more coordinated moving that piano up the stairs than Alvin Bragg’s case is. 

When the FBI raided Cohen, Trump said, “Most people will flip if the government lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories.” The “get-Trump” government got its story by letting Cohen pay only a $50,000 fine and serve a cushy, in-and-out (he got to stay at home) two-year prison deal in one of those soft prisons in upstate New York. He was not going to get the electric chair. Worst case, he’d get the electric blanket. The prison he went to was so nice it only made vanity license plates. 

If I understand this case, attorney Michael Cohen advised Trump to pay off Stormy Daniels and did it for him. Now, after making a plea deal for his testimony against Trump, Cohen is saying Trump did his paperwork wrong by — on Cohen’s advice — deducting his legal payments from the legal services invoices Cohen sent Trump’s CFO, Allen Weisselberg. 

I wonder if Stormy paid taxes on the $130,000 in shakedown money she got. The District Attorney in NYC does not seem to care.

Did Bill Clinton or his “fixers” deduct the $800,000 hush money they paid to Paula Jones? The only reason the Clintons stay married is that they can’t, by law, be forced to testify against one another. 

Cohen joined this witch hunt to get vengeance. Stormy showed up because she heard there might be a hung jury. Both have monetized their hatred for Trump. 

Cohen is a real low-life. He strikes me as the type of money-grubbing liar who would steal your Rolex and then help you look for it.

He says Trump did not pay him what he was owed. Well, Michael, you testified before Congress and are now testifying in the New York trial against him. That is 20 billable hours; send that invoice right over to the Trump Organization.

It was all fun and games for the first couple of days when the prosecution questioned Michael Cohen. Then it was the defense’s turn, and he got pounded like a Kardashian sister at the NBA All-Star Weekend. 

Trump remains the Road Runner to the deep state’s Wile E. Coyote. It is like the first rule of big-game hunting: when you think you shot your quarry dead, the tiger has other ideas. Cohen was a Trump sycophant until he took the plea deal. He once famously said he’d “take a bullet for Trump.” Well, stay right there, Lawyer Cohen, we will get you a cigarette and a blindfold. 

Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist, an award-winning author, and a frequent guest on TV and radio. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.

The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Daily Caller.